Now, I used to be slim. I had a good-ish body, even if my chest was somewhat underdeveloped and my backside, well, slightly overdeveloped by pies and sitting around. But I could carry it off because I'm reasonably tall. I could wear a Small from most shops and football shirts in that size were no problem.

I'm not slim anymore. My old football shirts can just about be shoehorned over my chest breasts but there's a whole load of highly unattractive bulging and stretching that appears around my midriff. The backside that was large is now even larger and forms a shapeless trinity with my inflated hips and legs. Where once I could squeeze into size S shorts that left little to the imagination, now I'm clinging on to M with dear life.

I'm overweight. By a stone and a half at the last check. I'm approaching thirty. These things happen. But why oh why did adidas choose now to start producing their shirts in Techfit?!

You see, a long, long time ago there was a sportswear company called Kappa. They came up with the Kombat range. Tight shirts that hugged the body and accentuated all those lovely contours. They wouldn't have looked great on me but I ran the London Marathon two years ago so back then I could have carried them off.

The thing is, they didn't supply any teams I liked. Sure, I could have gone and got a Gremio or Roma shirt but trying that hard has never been me (and it'd've felt like I was cheating on Santos and Milan!). But what if adidas had shirts like that? They made Liverpool, Marseille, Milan, France, Spain... The list goes on and on.

So here we are. Techfit shirts for Argentina, South Africa, Germany, Japan, Mexico, Russia, France, Spain... and the club sides are bound to follow. Gone are the days where you could distinguish an international player from his solely domestic counterpart by the size of his gut. Finely tuned athletes in each of Europe's top divisions will soon have their physiques more clearly on show than ever before.

But why do I care? Fat b$%tards like me can just get the Formotion equivalents. When the shirts popped up on FootballShirtCulture most commented that they intended to do exactly that. "What are those rubber strips around the shoulder?!" we all cried, "I'll save myself some money and get the Formotion ones instead."

Yep, good for us. Thrifty and sartorial in the same breath. And then we watched France beat Republic of Ireland in Dublin.

So a France shirt that had sullied the memory of winning teams from 1984 and 1998 by *gasp* breaking and redirecting the torso stripes suddenly made sense. This reimagining of a classic iconic design not only CPR'd fresh life into it but now also became an extension, animation and highlighter of the impressive bodies that it encased. So it's obvious what Lassana Diarra said to Keith Andrews: "You'll never make it to a World Cup until your abs are coloured white, white, white and red"

Anyway, enough of this. I can feel my a*&e expanding more and more as I type. I'm off to the gym.

Nike have a got a cheek.  Love them or loath them (it's the former for me since they brought back the Bumblebee) they do exactly as they please.

A couple of seasons ago, to great uproar, they released a white Arsenal shirt.  Not the first white Arsenal shirt by any means but a shirt that, if you squinted and, er, looked at it from 200 metres away, would be entirely indistinguishable from a shirt of The Gunners' North London rivals Tottenham Hotspur.  Reaction was huge, publicity was even more huge, sales, well, let's have a think...

Next season, Arsenal will wear white away from home (or "3rd") again.  But this time the full kit won't be a white and redcurrant pseudo-reversal of their home colours.  No, this time the shirt has only hints of colouring and the shorts will be slate grey (I won't indulge whatever Nike have called it).  Slate grey... time to get squinting again.  Surely that'll look a little bit too much like a dark blue?  Like Tottenham Hotspur wear.  Y'know, like Arsenal are wearing their biggest rivals' whole kit in away matches.

For the record, the shirt's classy, it does have redcurrant pinstripes, it has a good cut and a proper collar.  The team has actually worn the full kit too and it doesn't necessarily make you think of Spurs right away.  But isn't there a principle here?

The fact is, teams and manufacturers alike need to rotate kit designs and that involves using new colours each season for the change strips.  They make kits to sell and if the white has returned then it means that last time it sold well.  Did it and does it please the diehard guys in the flatcaps whose visible affiliation comes in the form of a 25-year-old bar scarf and a pin badge?  No, but their controlled-price season ticket (if they still renew it) is not a prime example of how Arsenal pay back banks or pay Arshavin's wages.

And so, yes, next season Arsenal will wear red shirts without white sleeves, all blue or white and grey.  Because new kits sell.  Last summer the "Anfield kit" would have been popular with almost all but kits change and their statistics must tell them, Nikesenal that is, that the change should be significant.

And they're not the only team.  Manchester United have been wearing blue again recently and next season their away shirt will carry a blue chevron, so maybe the approach is aimed at distant markets.  A conversation in a pub in Bangkok is best for Manchester United if two gentleman expressing love for the Manchester teams that wear red and blue respectively are in fact talking about the same club.  Same for the three men in Tokyo who like the London teams that wear red, white and blue.  Turn that plural into the right singular and Arsenal are laughing.

But there's surely a limit.  Would Rangers accept a green and white hooped third shirt from their supplier, Nike-owned Umbro?  Could traditionalists in the East End stomach a blue Celtic shirt?  Even, say, to promote the Nil by Mouth campaign?  I doubt it.  But would I buy the latter?  In a heartbeat.

Sting like a bee.  A nice summing up of a style of marketing and particularly appropriate today as we see the worst kept secret in football design finally made official:  Celtic's "bumblebee" away kit has returned.

The strip was originally an Umbro design from 1996-98 and split opinion.  Some said it was ugly (they were right) and some said it was inspired (they were right too).  As gaudy 90s kits go, it was up there with the best of them.  Luminous and cluttered, the beauty was in the basic idea of having a hooped away shirt that hinted at green and had an acceptable alternative to white.  The finished product bore a passing resemblance to a common flying insect and the Parkhead faithful had something to wear that was a departure from the usual uniformity.

Ever since, and building momentum, the Celtic fans have hoped for and requested some kind of a return to the Bumblebee.  There has even been a petition!  As Umbro had designed the kit, once Nike took over hope seemed to be fading but soon Umbro were to become a wing of the American giant and doors reopened.  The mock-ups have been doing the rounds for a few months but the finished article has arrived and few are disappointed.

The marketing machine has been working overtime on this and why not.  The international third strip has been met with a lukewarm reception (I don't care what anyone says, kilt shorts are neato!) and this was always going to be the club and Nike's trump card.  Were we supposed to see the guy in the bar in Madrid?  How did we know for months before release that the bee was back?  Did the genius of wheeling out the old Paul McStay quote, "There's a buzz about the place." and releasing Bumblebee-themed training wear catch us unawares?  We may have been manipulated to within an inch of our lives but it was a rollercoaster ride with a sublime climax.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, Nike have got it right because they listened to the fans.  More than most, Celtic hold meetings with supporters groups where a multitude of matters are discussed, including the playing wear for coming seasons.  The Bumblebee has no doubt cropped for years and the powers that be have now declared the time is right.  The reprise is simple, plain even, with the full effect of the hoops in all their retina scarring splendour.  A nice cut, the sponsorless long-sleeved version almost elegant, and a representation of an ideal.  We can ask for little more from a football kit.

But Celtic aren't alone.  Blasts from the past are cropping up everywhere.  Last season's Liverpool away, for example.  Not universally greeted originally in the late 1980s but it certainly stirred the emotions when revisited a year ago.  Next season, Celtic's rivals Rangers will be wearing a shirt that reflects an old 80s checkerboard pattern.  Guess what, the fans love it. 

Everton fans hated their Le Coq Sportif "v-neck" design twenty five years ago but its return has been met with both healthy debate and not insignificant support.  If nothing else, the many new retrospective and retrogressive designs have got fans excited about the new kit releases again.  While some have gone for the classic and timeless, such as the Manchester City and England approach, there seems to be a fashion for the obscure and cult.  It's a surefire way to create McStay's beloved "buzz".

Being a fan of football design, I've always had an idea of my favourite shirts of all time.  Not being such a fan of forging a successful career or saving money, I haven't owed all of them.  In fact, some of the ones that I have owned I've actually given away.  But then, at the point I gave each away I'm not sure I realised how much I'd miss them in the future.

So, I'm left with two shirts (and a half - I'll explain later) that I would consider to be amongst my favourites of all time.  The Olympique de Marseille 3rd/European/International/Superfluous shirt from 2007/08 and the 06-08 red England away.  Masterpieces. 

The adidas Golpe-styled l'OM shirt blew my mind despite being orange and it may even be my favourite of all time, whilst the Umbro England change shirt hangs in my wardrobe in both long and short-sleeved versions and is truly the last great Three Lion away.  Great use of gold, nice big crest and if Umbro want to move towards tailored fits then they could do worse than to take a look back - what a great cut!

But what about the ones that, so far, have got away?  Here's a top eleven wish list:

1. First up, a newie.  When France released their World Cup 2010 qualifying campaign kit many people were appalled.  Their previous shirt was poorly-received but had barely been worn and this new one wouldn't even be worn in South Africa. 

However, my personal view was that shirts are about moments, however long or short.  This new kit would represent the qualifying period and its class and understatement fitted its purpose.  I toyed with the idea of going out and getting it but for a long time I simply admired from afar.

Until, that is, France decided to honour Louis Braille against Nigeria by representing their players' names in dots.  I want it, I need it, it will be mine.  I'm not sure whether to go with dotted versions of NASRI, JAY, JÉ, my full first name, my surname or most likely my mother's French-via-Spanish maiden name but I have to have it.  adidas, make it so.

2. Another moment shirt, Zinedine Zidane's white number 10 away from the 2006 World Cup.  This one wasn't highly-regarded on release, with its slightly clumsy tricolore graphic, but became iconic due to Zizou's astonishing performances in Germany and the self-destruction which followed.  I want his number, his name in the wider player issue font, the Fifa Lextra patches and match embroidery.  Do I want the embroidery to refer to the Brazil game where he was so sensational or the Italy final where he ended his career in such spectacular fashion?  I simply can't decide.  I think my unhealthy obsession with Zizou's final act (see my Yahoo! Answers question) could make up my mind.

3. Crossing The Channel, there's no moment like England in 1966.  Hurst, Bobby, Nobby and all that.  The red away shirt from England's unjust seizure of the Jules Rimet trophy in their home ground 43 years ago is a must-have for any English football fan.  I'm not sure if I qualify as that but with Roger Hunt's 21 on the back it's a Liverpool FC-coloured piece of sporting history that would do the trick on a Saturday afternoon at Anfield.

4. Four years later England were defending their world title.  Banks's save, Moore's tackle and all that.  Essentially, defeat.  But it was hot in Mexico and England wore white aertex shirts which in a modern-day global warming-influenced Blighty summer are just perfect.  I came very close to buying this shirt from Toffs until Umbro got involved and put a great big 6 on the back and a double diamond at the bottom.  The wallet went back in my pocket.  But the wounds are healing and summer once again is approaching...

5. From the same World Cup, Pelé and Brazil wore the Brazil shirt.  Throw a 10 on the back and it's perfection.

6. Roll on twenty years and Italia '90 was what really turned me on to football.  So many memories but none more vivid than that of the ease with which Paul Gascoigne weaved past the best players the planet had to offer.  Gazzamania began in Italy and I own the shirt with his number 19 on the back, alas with no "FIFA WORLD CUP ITALY 90" embroidery.  This must be addressed.

7. From the same tournament, the revelatory team was Cameroon.  The low v-neck, the giant (Indomitable) lion crest and the potential for dancing at the corner flag a la Roger Milla means there's nothing cooler than this monster of the cult shirts world.

8. Moving to club football, and specifically my Marceltipool-inspiring favourite three teams, the greatest and most iconic Celtic shirt is the 1967 Lisbon Lions European Cup winning version, without any shadow of a doubt.  Bereft of a number - and you know how I feel about that - it's the most important shirt the Bhoys have ever worn. 

But it's also missing a crest so it's essentially a long-sleeved green and white H&M t-shirt.  Therefore, from a football design point of view my dream Celtic shirt is the 1982-1986 Umbro number.  Whether it has CR SMITH across the front or not, it's beautiful.  Rumour has it that (let's face it, it's happening) Nike are going to take advantage of the fact that they now own the rights to all Umbro designs to update the Bumble Bee shirt.  Maybe they can give this one the same treatment.

9 & 10. But then, rereleases aren't always what they're cracked up to be.  The 1989-91 Liverpool and Marseille home shirts were both recently given the adidas Originals kiss of life and neither was accurate enough for me to part with my hard-earned cash.  I owned these two in the first place but inexplicably gave them away.  My l'OM shirt even had the sponsor and a number 8 on the back!  How I'd love to be taken back to the days of Papin, Waddle, Barnes and Beardsley.

11. And finally, possibly my most controversial choice.  It's another entirely unnecessary 3^rd shirt, this time a white, green and gold Celtic classic from 1994 which  (in)famously split opinion.  I'm in no doubt of where I stand on the debate.

So that's it.  A dream team if ever I saw one.  Of course, I'll think of others that I'd love to own but this list sums up pretty well which I'd have if I could.  In some cases I can.  It may be time to raid the piggy bank.

Cartoonist and Illustrator Ian Marsden shows you how he drew the Ireland Football team for the new Footballheroes See Red book in Photoshop, Painter and Illustrator.